I have reached the promised land. 146 pounds! However, that’s not the entire store or the promised land.
The first thing that comes to mind is the biblical definition… you have to believe that… but there are many sides to that story and in no way is my definition biblical. God promised it to the jews… specifically Jacob, Abraham, Isaac… but there are also christian and islamic Palestinians who also believe they fit in that group. There’s no fixing the confusion with that promised land with “divine” roots. We are led to believe that after 40 years… of wandering like the bedouins of today, they reached the promised land… nah.
There’s the use of it by Martin Luther King in his famous “I have a dream” speech. He never made it to his promised land.
The urban definition of promised land is sexual in nature and has a few definitions… the promised land is a vagina or pussy as some would call it. It’s the region of a woman’s body promised to every man. (really?) When I was 14 I hooked up with Emily as her dad watched and I reached the promised land… so to speak. NO… this is not the promise land I’m speaking of, nor the ones listed above.
My promise land is about reaching goals, both short term and long term. Some I thought I would never reach. Business goals have always been accessible to me. It’s the personal ones that I never really made. Didn’t think I would ever have a chance to see them through. Once I moved to Las Vegas, life changed for me and I began to very slowly and with reluctance set goals, personal ones for myself and while at the time or times, I still wasn’t a believer that I would be able to achieve them. Most of the time, I did not achieve personal goals. They were unattainable at the time. I considered them with a low likelihood of success. I thought about them. I (day)dreamed about them. I was wrong about that low likelihood of success after quite a few years. The personal goals are now coming so fast, they occasionally pass me by and I fail to recognize them because they are so foreign to me.
I’ve been able to reach goals that have a lot of personal meaning and have allowed me to find my “true self”. I never considered the fact that I had a true self. I was just existing (personally) as a monument to what I was told and taught I was… I’ve been able to focus on my self-identity, which is a little confusing and ambiguous to some, but I do have one. I tried not to set goals on the basis of peer pressure because I knew I would never follow through. However, I was more than willing to fight for myself after a certain point. It was that day… that date that keeps coming up. July 8, 2009 was the day I made a dramatic change and began to fight for my soul. Fight from the inside out. A fight that no one could see. The day I took control of my own life.
My personal well being actually exists now and is no longer a dream. I have succeeded in reaching some of my long term (4 years) personal goals that had a subjective and dramatic unveiling of happiness. I worked really hard to get to the happiness part and because of that, it holds more importance than something or a goal that is/was easily attainable. I don’t have some sort of scale to measure my level of happiness because it always escaped me, but, if I use my feelings as they are today, I’m just pretty fucking happy.
Through a sequence of steps that have taken years (therapy and self determination)… some of them quite painful emotionally, I have been able to reach both short term and long term goals. Not all of them. Many of the hardest ones. Many of the ones I initially thought I would carry with me to the grave (crematorium preferred thank you very much) without ever accomplishing them.
I have reached the promised land. My promised land. I have cut some cords that should have never been connected. I am in control of my life. I feel like I have a mission and a meaning for life.
I have reached a weight that I haven’t seen in years along with a percentage of body fat that is getting close to normal 146 lbs and 11.4% body fat. My lean body mass is smack dab in the middle of normal. Ya see, I have this eating disorder. I’m a stress non-eater. If I feel stress, I feel no hunger and can go the whole day and just forget I have never eaten or ever get hunger pains. Stress makes my core tighten… and twist. Not as tight as it used to.
In a few days I take another major step. I’m cutting the phone cord. My mobile number is changing. All those from my past who I waited for so long to say something to me will no longer have the opportunity to do so. I don’t need or want the contact anymore. My waiting stopped when I was adopted on June 11, 2013. I have stated the incorrect date on previous posts all over the place but the correct date. The date the family court judge stamped the adoption decree is not June 13… It’s June 11, 2013. (sorry mom, I love you)
If you’re in my life now, you’ll get a message from me next week with my new number. All the people I love will be contacted… and some that it would just be too weird if I loved will get contact too. Those who have used me, those who have abused me, those who made money inappropriately from me by lying to me, cheating me or stealing from me will not get the number.
It’s good to be alive. I am a very happy person (now). It’s good to be happy. It’s good to feel love, receive love and express it. THIS is my promised land… 146 lbs.
That’s all for now.