Quote of the Day 12 February 2014 ~ Connected

Side side connected

Side side connected (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“We’re all pieces of the same ever-changing puzzle;
some connected for mere seconds, some connected for life,
some connected through knowledge, some through belief,
some connected through wisdom, some through Love, and some connected with no explanation at all. Yet, as spiritual beings having a human experience, we’re all here for the sensations this reality or illusion has to offer. The best anyone can hope for is the right to be able to Live, Learn, Love then Leave. After that, reap the benefits of their own chosen existence in the hereafter by virtue of simply believing in what they believe. As for here, it took me a while but this progression helped me with my life: “I like myself. I Love myself. I am myself.”
Stanley Victor Paskavich

Marc’s Words of Wisdom 07Jan 2014 – Optimism

Ridin boots via vladtepish

Ridin boots via vladtepish

I never considered myself an optimist. I thought I was a realist through and through, always making sure I understood that, for every good thing that happens, something bad must happen. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

I was often mistaken for a pessimist not because of my looking for something good to come from bad but from my looking for something bad to come from good. Literally turning my head and waiting for it. Every person I saw was a threat. I had this angry aura about me. Most often kept inside of me festering.

My realism has came in quite handy as a technical writer with vision for scoping and compiling requirements for both logical and physical projects… Specifically in forming use-case-scenarios and quality assurance testing.

I’ve never believed my future would be better than my past, because that was what I learned and was told. As a matter of fact, I never really believed I would have a future or that I wanted one at all. There are some dark ages that see light now, where passively suicidal behavior and risk taking that were a big part of my lifestyle are gone, but for risk. The worst risk is the one not taken.

Time changes attitudes… it heals wounds a little too… at least it has for me. I’m no longer angry person in general… but I can still get angry, however, I prefer kindness and understanding. Anger sucks energy from your soul.

Time that I never thought I would have has turned me into an optimist. I believe in optimism. My present and my future are and will be better than my past. I am completely responsible for this change in thinking with the help of PTSD therapy. There is a small hand full of people… a small circle of family who also have had a role in my healing and change. I could not or would not have accomplished this shift in thought on my own.

My family is my reason for living. My reason for wanting to live and wake up again tomorrow. To change a little more for the better. To enjoy the happiness and love that I feel surrounding me. I have what I feel are compelling reasons to live that escaped me until recently… hugs. Hug therapy. Unintended consequences of wanting to live. I shared a hug last night, promptly fell asleep and awakened the happy man I realized I am and have been.

My name is Marc and I am an optimist. I believe my present is brighter than my past. I believe my future will be brighter because of the people in my present and future.

My life has meaning… It’s good to be alive.

Quote of the Day 6 December 2013 – Connected

Visualizing peer-learning (365/125 May 25, 2013)

Visualizing peer-learning (365/125 May 25, 2013) (Photo credit: ConnectIrmeli)

“We’re all pieces of the same ever-changing puzzle;
some connected for mere seconds, some connected for life,
some connected through knowledge, some through belief,
some connected through wisdom, some through Love, and some connected with no explanation at all. Yet, as spiritual beings having a human experience, we’re all here for the sensations this reality or illusion has to offer. The best anyone can hope for is the right to be able to Live, Learn, Love then Leave. After that, reap the benefits of their own chosen existence in the hereafter by virtue of simply believing in what they believe. As for here, it took me a while but this progression helped me with my life: “I like myself. I Love myself. I am myself.”
Stanley Victor Paskavich

I Have Reached The Promised Land (So I Say)

I have reached the promised land. 146 pounds! However, that’s not the entire store or the promised land.

The first thing that comes to mind is the biblical definition… you have to believe that… but there are many sides to that story and in no way is my definition biblical. God promised it to the jews… specifically Jacob, Abraham, Isaac… but there are also christian and islamic Palestinians who also believe they fit in that group. There’s no fixing the confusion with that promised land with “divine” roots. We are led to believe that after 40 years… of wandering like the bedouins of today, they reached the promised land… nah.

There’s the use of it by Martin Luther King in his famous “I have a dream” speech. He never made it to his promised land.

The urban definition of promised land is sexual in nature and has a few definitions… the promised land is a vagina or pussy as some would call it. It’s the region of a woman’s body promised to every man. (really?) When I was 14 I hooked up with Emily as her dad watched and I reached the promised land… so to speak. NO… this is not the promise land I’m speaking of, nor the ones listed above.

My promise land is about reaching goals, both short term and long term. Some I thought I would never reach. Business goals have always been accessible to me. It’s the personal ones that I never really made. Didn’t think I would ever have a chance to see them through. Once I moved to Las Vegas, life changed for me and I began to very slowly and with reluctance set goals, personal ones for myself and while at the time or times, I still wasn’t a believer that I would be able to achieve them. Most of the time, I did not achieve personal goals. They were unattainable at the time. I considered them with a low likelihood of success. I thought about them. I (day)dreamed about them. I was wrong about that low likelihood of success after quite a few years. The personal goals are now coming so fast, they occasionally pass me by and I fail to recognize them because they are so foreign to me.

I’ve been able to reach goals that have a lot of personal meaning and have allowed me to find my “true self”. I never considered the fact that I had a true self. I was just existing (personally) as a monument to what I was told and taught I was… I’ve been able to focus on my self-identity, which is a little confusing and ambiguous to some, but I do have one. I tried not to set goals on the basis of peer pressure because I knew I would never follow through. However, I was more than willing to fight for myself after a certain point. It was that day… that date that keeps coming up. July 8, 2009 was the day I made a dramatic change and began to fight for my soul. Fight from the inside out. A fight that no one could see. The day I took control of my own life.

My personal well being actually exists now and is no longer a dream. I have succeeded in reaching some of my long term (4 years) personal goals that had a subjective and dramatic unveiling of happiness. I worked really hard to get to the happiness part and because of that, it holds more importance than something or a goal that is/was easily attainable. I don’t have some sort of scale to measure my level of happiness because it always escaped me, but, if I use my feelings as they are today, I’m just pretty fucking happy.

Through a sequence of steps that have taken years (therapy and self determination)… some of them quite painful emotionally, I have been able to reach both short term and long term goals. Not all of them. Many of the hardest ones. Many of the ones I initially thought I would carry with me to the grave (crematorium preferred thank you very much) without ever accomplishing them.

I have reached the promised land. My promised land. I have cut some cords that should have never been connected. I am in control of my life. I feel like I have a mission and a meaning for life.

I have reached a weight that I haven’t seen in years along with a percentage of body fat that is getting close to normal 146 lbs and 11.4% body fat. My lean body mass is smack dab in the middle of normal. Ya see, I have this eating disorder. I’m a stress non-eater. If I feel stress, I feel no hunger and can go the whole day and just forget I have never eaten or ever get hunger pains. Stress makes my core tighten… and twist. Not as tight as it used to.

In a few days I take another major step. I’m cutting the phone cord. My mobile number is changing. All those from my past who I waited for so long to say something to me will no longer have the opportunity to do so. I don’t need or want the contact anymore. My waiting stopped when I was adopted on June 11, 2013. I have stated the incorrect date on previous posts all over the place but the correct date. The date the family court judge stamped the adoption decree is not June 13… It’s June 11, 2013. (sorry mom, I love you)

If you’re in my life now, you’ll get a message from me next week with my new number. All the people I love will be contacted… and some that it would just be too weird if I loved will get contact too. Those who have used me, those who have abused me, those who made money inappropriately from me by lying to me, cheating me or stealing from me will not get the number.

It’s good to be alive. I am a very happy person (now). It’s good to be happy. It’s good to feel love, receive love and express it. THIS is my promised land… 146 lbs.

That’s all for now.

Thought(s) of the Day 16 October 2013 – Living in the Present

The only real security is not owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what it was, nor forward to what it might be, but living in the present and accepting it as it is now. [Anne Morrow Lindbergh]

Living in the Present

If you can’t accept what it is, as it is now, then you have to work to change it. You need to fix it or walk away from it. Your confusion will never be resolved by sitting on your hands and remaining silent and torturing yourself. Don’t ever be afraid to express your real feelings, not just what you think someone wants to hear. Don’t let your fear of rejection make you stop in the middle. Follow it through. Get it done. Fly away without confusion or worry and enjoy your respite. You need to be living in the present.  You will not be lonely living in the present. Don’t allow yourself to be a prisoner of your own thoughts. [Spontaneous writing of Marc Gilbert-Widmann]